Motherhood is unlike anything I imagined, harder, better, more demanding, more rewarding, it’s just more. I still want to pinch myself, to make sure this is real life, that A is our daughter. And, being a mom has changed me, in ways I wasn’t sure I could ever change.
I feel things, deeper. I cry a lot more, the feelings are just more, raw. Like, movies and such get to me more, and where I used to not cry, and it wouldn’t get to me, it gets to me now. I just, I feel things with my whole heart now, where before, without knowing it, I was only using part of it.
I love K more. Him taking on the role of father, and giving it his all, loving A more than anything, just makes me melt. I watch him play with her, let her pull his beard until his face is throbbing, just because it makes her giggle and he thinks it’s the greatest thing in the world. I hear him get up with her at night so I can sleep. I listen as he sings Beach Boys, Les Miserables, and more to her, and watch as he helps her with cool dance moves. I see the way she stares up at him with this look of wonder, then breaks into the biggest grin, and I fall more and more in love with him.
I’m more forgiving. I find myself looking for the good more, wanting to mend broken relationships, or just hoping for the best intentions, even when I know better. I’ve never been one to hold grudges, I’m more the we get upset, hash it out, then move on type, but I’m even more so the wanting to fix things, and make things healthier, stronger, better now.
I appreciate the small things. I can come home from the worst day at work, and all it takes is A smiling at me, almost toppling over from excitement at seeing me, to turn my whole day around. Then, while that’s happening all the dogs come running at me, bellowing, and tails wagging, wanting pets and to say hello. I’m given so much love, even in the small things, and I see it now, where before I’d be annoyed that Luna jumped up on me when she knows not to.
I take care of myself more. I used to feel really, really guilty spending any money on myself, or taking time for myself. And, not because K ever made me feel that way, but I think it’s just something I grew up with. My parents both worked really hard, and didn’t splurge, my mom didn’t get new clothes, didn’t go to workout classes, etc, so I just grew up without that, and hadn’t really let myself feel ok doing things like that. Now, it’s different. I know I need to take care of myself mentally, physically, and emotionally, and that I need to put those first to be a great mom to A, so I will invest in myself. I’m getting consist hair trims for the first time like….ever, and finally using products to help my hair not break off. I’ve started using skincare products to take care of my skin, I workout at night after A is in bed, and got a Beach Body on Demand membership so I can do tons of different workouts, all from home. I’m making myself a priority, which is something I want A to see. I want her to see that being a wife or mother doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself, or put yourself last, rather it means that taking care of yourself is more important than ever.
I dreamed of being a mom for as long as I can remember. When I thought of my future there were children in it, that was just a fact, but I didn’t dream of all of the amazing changes being a mom would bring out in me. I didn’t dream of what a better person I would become, or how I’d learn how to love, feel, appreciate, with my whole heart, my whole self. Motherhood is just so much more than I could have imagined, and I’m so, so grateful, and honored, that I get to be a mother.