This whole adulting thing is so much harder and more overwhelming than I ever imagined, but it’s also so much better. I get down on myself a lot: I’m not thin enough, I’m not a good enough wife to K, I don’t spend enough time with our dogs, I’m not patient enough, we’re too busy, we never get to family activities, and we don’t have the kind of relationships with each other’s family and friends that we both hoped for, I don’t crochet fast enough, or get new things listed in my shops fast enough and if I did maybe K wouldn’t have to work two jobs, we never have time for us or for dates, and the list goes on and on.
But you know what? We’re doing pretty great, and the best that we can. I am an awesome wife – I am a good cook, we laugh all the time, I work insanely hard. I juggle a lot, and the fact that I don’t drop things, or fumble more is pretty amazing.
K is so loving, and just adores me – every time we get photos back from Chloe I can see that, and I just melt. He works so hard, and learns to build me things because I decide I want them. He has the most contagious laugh, when he really laughs. It’s high pitched, and his eyes crinkle, and it’s just the best thing ever. He whispers, “sleep well, my darling” every night before I fall asleep, and kisses me goodnight.
Our dogs love us, and they want me if they are scared or not feeling well. We are greeted with the biggest smiles, and so much love every day when we come home from work. They are so forgiving, and each day they greet us just as happily as the day before. They know when they’ve done something bad, and they are learning new things all the time, like Sharky, who was on the floor, then when K came back into the kitchen was sitting on the kitchen table, loving life, tail wagging and a huge smile on her face. Sure, they aren’t always learning what we want them to, but they are learning, and it’s so exciting to see their personalities develop.
With the holidays it’s been a bit more overwhelming than usual. I see everyone else and feel like I’m not doing enough. I should have Christmas lights on the outside of my house, I should be making some neighbor gifts and actually taking the time to get to know them, I should be baking different kinds of cookies and constantly playing Christmas music to get it really feeling like Christmas. I should be doing all of the traditions we grew up with, and making sure this feels like the special time of year that it is. We should be walking the dogs and taking them to see the Christmas lights, I should have gotten them santa hats and made them pose in them for Christmas photos (let’s be honest, that will probably still happen), etc.
What I’m realizing though, is that I just have to take it a day at a time, not one month, or even one week at a time, or I get so overwhelmed and discouraged that I want to give up. A day at a time may mean it won’t feel like Christmas time until Christmas Eve, or that all of the traditions we want to do don’t get done. It may mean that we see people even less as we make time for K and I each day, or that dishes stay in the sink longer, floors go un-swept for days at a time, but I think it’s worth it.
A day at a time means we get to make the most of each day, not stressing about what’s coming our way. Our transmission is going out, so we know that is coming. Rather than freak out about that every day, and have it be constantly on my mind, I’m just going to let it go. No, that doesn’t mean we won’t be saving our pennies like crazy to try to make it less of a blow when it does go out, but it means we’ll get to have good days, and days that are less stress filled, and are just for us. It means I’ll be putting my crocheting down earlier to cuddle with my husband, and that I’ll commit to less new items in the shop so we can walk the dogs daily and get puppy loves. It means that every day is going to be about today, and that I’m not going to hide behind being so swamped anymore.
A day at a time is really all about having more of this. So, if our schedules are worse than ever, invite us to things with more notice. I’m not sorry, because we need this. We need to take things slow, and get the most out of each day. We need to have more good times, and get to where adulting feels less like a constantly increasing weight on our shoulders.